Goodbye Hair. Hello Alopecia.

“If I had a friend that treated me the way that I treated myself, I wouldn’t be friends with that person.” –Penny (my friend)

How does one learn to love themselves? I have no idea.

I found out I have Alopecia Universalis on November 30^th of this year. Until I got it, I didn’t really even know what it was. A brief google of it informed me that 1 in every 1000 people in the U.K. are affected by it each year, and it’s where your auto-immune system starts attacking hair follicles all over your body. Head, eyebrows, face, legs, arms, chest, everywhere. No one knows exactly why it happens, but there could be various factors- high stress levels, genetics, sudden change in diet, amongst other things. All of which was true in my case. I had become a vegetarian a year earlier, and was stressed and unhappy with my job, career, and family stuff, and I probably held most of that frustration in.

The whole experience reminded me of a line from my favourite Woody Allen film, Manhattan: “I don’t get angry. I have a tendency to internalize. I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.”

The last selfie of myself with hair in September in Stockholm. Why the sad face? No idea. Look at those waves. What a dick.

 

In October, I lost about 70% of my hair in 3 weeks. I could literally pluck hairs out of my head like blades of grass. I thought it was just stress. Then my body hair started to go, my beard stopped growing, and I started to lose my eyebrows. I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew something was seriously wrong.

Upon hearing that I had alopecia, various friends of mine, independently, as if possessed by the same moron aliens, blurted out: “Shave your head! Just shave it! That’s what I’d do.” My friends are idiots.

Regardless, I went out to drink my sorrows away, came home at 2am, and impulsively shaved the remaining straggles of my hair all off. I thought it would be liberating, but I immediately regretted it, and the next morning, I sank into a deep deep depression. The whole thing had knocked me for six. An early Christmas present.

Me now. Post alopecia. Gonna take some getting used to. I feel like Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina. Except, you know, less hot.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about why all of this hair stuff has affected me so much. A lot of people obviously lose hair. People lose limbs. People lose their eyesight. People lose their hearing. And I think how you react to these things says a lot about your outlook on life, and whether it’s healthy or not.

I know, logically, that having a sentient mind is one of the few important things in this life. I remember after my dad had a stroke, he completely forgot he was a doctor. He didn’t recognize me sometimes. He forgot the rooms in his flat and where he was. It was heart-breaking that someone who spent their whole life reading and writing and learning could have it all disappear in a matter of weeks.

After he passed away soon after, Hindu tradition states that the son is supposed to shave his head as a last act of sacrifice and gratitude to the parent. As I don’t believe in Hinduism, and my father was a staunch Atheist himself (who also didn’t shave his head at his father’s funeral), I didn’t do it. I cut it short, but I didn’t want to shave it. Even though there was a genuine moral reason for this, there was, sadly, a vain one as well. I liked my hair. Other people even liked my hair. They would tell me as much. It was a real hit. So it’s even harder when people then say “Don’t worry, it’s just hair,” when you lose it. It can seem hypocritical.

In life, we are often told not to have our self-worth be defined by our body or the physical self. Not to get attached. It’s Buddhism 101. Your personality and character need to exist in spite of these things, not because of them. But this can feel very hard to do in a society that is frightfully obsessed with appearance. For actors, in an industry that trades on the currency of looks, it can feel even worse.

The doctor can’t tell me if my hair will grow back, or if I’ll lose all the hair on my body permanently. It’s scary. But it’s been comforting reading stories from other people who have experienced this – young children, mothers, even actors. One such person was a girl on youtube named Cassidy Lee. She’s had alopecia since she was 5 years old, and obviously had to go through all the ups and downs of having it both as a female and as a child. Even after she got older, she stated the following:

“I still wasn’t coming to terms with what this is. I was always denying it and denying who I was. Trying to be confident and loving yourself is really hard to do. I don’t know. I didn’t understand at that time how important it was to be confident and love yourself first.” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xX4EOJn59mw)

I loved her honesty and charm and humour and agreed with her wholeheartedly, but it’s not an easy thing to do. I guess one has to start practicing doing it now rather than later though. Lord knows my body isn’t getting any better as I get older.

It’s incredible how supportive and non-judgemental my friends have been with all this though. And it’s amazing how many of them have gone through pretty intense health problems of their own. A lot of the hatred and loathing is in your own head. People are much less critical of you as you are of yourself. It’s sad and pathetic and true. We’re bigger dicks to ourselves than anyone else.

For now, I don’t really know what to do other than join a gym, go back to therapy, and try to eliminate all the stress from my life, as in the end, it’s not worth it. Follow your gut. It’s usually right. I guess my only hope now is that I don’t hang myself and then police find a suicide note that just says: ” No hair 😦 “ (which would be, btw, in a dark way, very very funny).

Anyhow, Happy Xmas and New Years everyone. I hope you have a great one. Love yourselves and hug your friends and family. Oh, and there is no god xxx

Arnab Chanda is a Comedy Writer, Actor, Producer, and Director.
Follow Arnab on Twitter: @arnabacus
His Website: http://www.arnabchanda.com